John Gottman is a famous couples counselor based out of Seattle. He has studied how couples interact together and contends that there are certain attitudes which threaten a relationship. Gottman has devised a series of questions to determine if a relationship is in jeopardy. Answer the quizz below to see if your relationship might need professional help.
Are You Experiencing These Warning Signs In Your Relationship?
- When my partner complains, I feel unfairly picked on.
- My partner’s negativity is too intense, too much, too out of proportion.
- I think it’s very important to determine who is at fault.
- I feel like I don’t get credit for all of the positive things that I do.
- When my partner complains, I feel like I am being attacked.
- There’s no stopping me once I get started.
- I don’t complain until I feel hurt.
- When I bring up a problem, I try to convince my partner that I am right.
- My spouse can be pretty arrogant at times.
- I get fed up with all of the negativity.
- I try to make general points instead of talking about one specific action or behavior.
- I can’t think of much that I admire in my partner.
- I can’t help feeling that there’s a lot of stupidity in my partner’s behavior.
- When my partner is upset with me, I think of all the ways that I let down the relationship.
- I am fed up with all of the negativity, and I wish my partner would change.
- When I am hurt in an argument, I think about ways to get even.
- My partner’s moods are so exagerrated and out of control.
- I hate it when our discussions stop being rational.
- I often withdraw, and find it difficult to look my partner in the eye.
- When we have a big argument, I usually threaten to leave.
- I disapprove of my partner’s behavior.
- I often think, “I don’t have to take this kind of treatment.”
Did you answer “Yes” to any of these questions?
If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more of these questions, there may be significant barriers to communication in your relationship. If you have a score of 5 or more, you and your partner may be engaging in behaviors that routinely damage your relationship.
Think of communication in terms of good habits and bad habits. Bad habits interfere with a couple’s communication, creating a cycle of discord and negativity. After a number of painful experiences, the couple creates a narrative in their minds: “You don’t care about me.” Eventually you stop reaching out to your partner, fearing that you will be rejected or hurt once more.
Are You Seeking Counseling?
I am professional counselor, licensed by the State of Texas. If you are interested in meeting with me, I offer a 30-minute free consultation. Studies suggest that the one of the most important healing factors in therapy is a good personality match. We can use this time to talk about what’s troubling you and see if I am the best person to fit your needs. To schedule an appointment, please send me an email. I’d like to help.